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Reach deep into one’s pandora box

So apparently there’s yet another bad cover letter making the rounds. It’s pretty bad.

But sorry, it doesn’t beat one I have.

Some background: This isn’t some friend of a friend thing: It really came to me when I worked for a medical advertising agency. So this person was applying to be an editorial assistant at a medical ad agency, which means all the yammering about creativity would have been very very far off-base if it had been expressed in English as opposed to whatever language it’s in. Also, “current economic conditions” were the beginning of the biggest boom since LBJ left office. Finally, I redacted the person’s name, but it in no way sounded like the name of someone whose first language was not English.

Also, don’t use this as evidence that Syracuse’s Textual Studies program sucks–it also produced Fred Van Lente, writer of the inimitable Action Philosophers comix.

And without further ado, here it is: The worst cover letter ever sent (that I know of).

 

And the transcription:

I am writing to you in response to your newspaper advertisement for the editorial assistant’s position. If you are looking for a young and talented writer to augment your staff, search no more. You’ve reached your fountain of youth. Graduating with a B.A. in English Textual Studies from Syracuse University, has provided me with an abundance of creative thoughts and ideas, as well as the uncanny ability to bring it to life, through simple pen and paper, like an artist with his canvas.

Writing has always inspired me, an exhilirating roller coaster of a ride, traversing my mind to places and feelings refreshingly cathartic. The ability to delve deep into one’s pandora box, pulling out a rabbit of unbridled emotions and brilliance, is tantamount to my writing. It is this confidence in my abilities, combined with an insatiable drive to succeed, that ignites this author’s racecar.

In view of the current economic conditions, I have been experiencing some difficulty in finding meaningful employment in the publishing field. I have been doing some free-lance work, just completing an article for a computer magazine.

To objectively buttress my skills, I can honestly say that  people who have reviewed some of my unfinished works, all are in agreement as to my raw talents. This includes college professors, head of dept(graduate school), and two editors.

I am looking for a position that will provide me, through hard work and talent, a springboard for which future success can be achieved. Please keep me in mind. You won’t be disappointed.

Thank you very much, and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,

[REDACTED]

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